It's ridiculously early here, and my polling place was already hopping. The college student in front of us in line had to go outside the room and turn his "McCain - Palin" shirt inside out, because no partisan messages are allowed. That said, another student with the brilliant "Joe" sticker (the one in the style of a plumber's name badge) on his hoodie got off Scot free. Voting was uneventful--like most Americans, I trusted my ballot to a computer, so I won't be surprised if Max Headroom wins by massive write-in campaign tonight.
Now all that's left is the drinking. I have yet to put together a drinking game for tonight, but I'm working on it--although it's not as cool as Pantarch's betting sheet. Tell me your own suggestions! Here are my ideas:
"It's a little early for me, but thanks anyway": 6 p.m. ET:
> If New Hampshire goes red, drink.
> If Indiana goes blue, drink.
> If Kentucky goes blue, have a long, stiff drink. Preferably bourbon.
"Oh, a toddie for the body, don't mind if I do": 7 p.m. ET:
> If Virginia goes red, drink.
> If North Carolina or Florida go blue, drink.
> If Ohio goes red, drink. If Ohio goes blue, drink.
"Keep pouring": 8 p.m. ET:
> If Pennsylvania goes red, drink.
> If Missouri goes blue, drink.
> If Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Ohio have all been called for Obama, raise your glass to John McCain, and the magic trick he has to perform tonight.
"Where do you keep the strong stuff?": 9 p.m. ET:
> If Colorado or New Mexico go blue, drink.
> If Michigan goes red, drink.
[If by this point Texas, Oklahoma, or any of the deep South states has gone blue, or if New York or any of the regular New England states has gone red, have a big drink and shake your head at this crazy, crazy world. Keep your eye on the CNN ticker for births of two-headed calves.]
"Keep the glass, gimme the bottle": Later than 9:
> If Nevada goes blue, drink. No, red.
> If California goes red (or if Alaska goes blue), stand a baseball bat in the middle of the room, put your forehead on the end of it, and run around in a circle. (If you tried to put your head on the lower end of the bat, congratulations, you're done.)
"It's going to be a long night": Ongoing:
> When Wolf Blitzer says "unprecedented," "history-making," "record turnout," or "big gamble," drink.
> When Michelle Norris, Robert Segal, Don Gagnier, Brian Naler or Joel Rose (or anyone from NPR) makes a lame joke to buy time, drink.
> When someone stresses the importance of the absentee votes, drink.
> When someone mentions the Bradley Effect, drink. If it actually appears to be happening, drink twice.
> When foul play is suggested, drink. When foul play is suggested in Ohio or Florida, drink twice.
> When someone says "glitch," drink.
> When Obama is compared to Carter or Hoover, drink. When he's compared to Lincoln or Kennedy, drink twice.
> When McCain is compared to George W. Bush, drink. When he's compared to Reagan or Eisenhower, drink twice.
> When an interviewee says Palin is "like us," or represents "real America," drink.
> When a member of the news media rails against the liberal bias of the news media, drink.
> If Ralph Nader, Matt Gonzales, Bob Barr, Alan Keyes, or Ron Paul come on the air, drink.
> If Ann Coulter comes on the air, turn the sound off and drink.
> Whenever a state is called one way and then called another, drink.
> Each time the country is called one way and then called another, drink twice.
Now all that's left is the drinking. I have yet to put together a drinking game for tonight, but I'm working on it--although it's not as cool as Pantarch's betting sheet. Tell me your own suggestions! Here are my ideas:
"It's a little early for me, but thanks anyway": 6 p.m. ET:
> If New Hampshire goes red, drink.
> If Indiana goes blue, drink.
> If Kentucky goes blue, have a long, stiff drink. Preferably bourbon.
"Oh, a toddie for the body, don't mind if I do": 7 p.m. ET:
> If Virginia goes red, drink.
> If North Carolina or Florida go blue, drink.
> If Ohio goes red, drink. If Ohio goes blue, drink.
"Keep pouring": 8 p.m. ET:
> If Pennsylvania goes red, drink.
> If Missouri goes blue, drink.
> If Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Ohio have all been called for Obama, raise your glass to John McCain, and the magic trick he has to perform tonight.
"Where do you keep the strong stuff?": 9 p.m. ET:
> If Colorado or New Mexico go blue, drink.
> If Michigan goes red, drink.
[If by this point Texas, Oklahoma, or any of the deep South states has gone blue, or if New York or any of the regular New England states has gone red, have a big drink and shake your head at this crazy, crazy world. Keep your eye on the CNN ticker for births of two-headed calves.]
"Keep the glass, gimme the bottle": Later than 9:
> If Nevada goes blue, drink. No, red.
> If California goes red (or if Alaska goes blue), stand a baseball bat in the middle of the room, put your forehead on the end of it, and run around in a circle. (If you tried to put your head on the lower end of the bat, congratulations, you're done.)
"It's going to be a long night": Ongoing:
> When Wolf Blitzer says "unprecedented," "history-making," "record turnout," or "big gamble," drink.
> When Michelle Norris, Robert Segal, Don Gagnier, Brian Naler or Joel Rose (or anyone from NPR) makes a lame joke to buy time, drink.
> When someone stresses the importance of the absentee votes, drink.
> When someone mentions the Bradley Effect, drink. If it actually appears to be happening, drink twice.
> When foul play is suggested, drink. When foul play is suggested in Ohio or Florida, drink twice.
> When someone says "glitch," drink.
> When Obama is compared to Carter or Hoover, drink. When he's compared to Lincoln or Kennedy, drink twice.
> When McCain is compared to George W. Bush, drink. When he's compared to Reagan or Eisenhower, drink twice.
> When an interviewee says Palin is "like us," or represents "real America," drink.
> When a member of the news media rails against the liberal bias of the news media, drink.
> If Ralph Nader, Matt Gonzales, Bob Barr, Alan Keyes, or Ron Paul come on the air, drink.
> If Ann Coulter comes on the air, turn the sound off and drink.
> Whenever a state is called one way and then called another, drink.
> Each time the country is called one way and then called another, drink twice.
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